Out of Tune with Domesticity
Archive for March, 2009
At Sixteen…(Part II)
Mar 27th
I’ve been struggling a bit with how to write this…or even whether or not to write it all. This post is why I started “At Sixteen…” And it does, as the other one did, contain some graphic material.
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As a sixteen year old girl, older men can seem intimidating. They can seem fatherly; they can seem authoritative. Teenagers and authority figures generally do not go well together. It’s like oil and water. So as I sat in front of this man, the last thing I’d wanted to do was speak. Or look at him. I sat confused and bewildered. Out of breath. I looked at this man and he asked me if I was ready to begin. I gave the okay and we did…how do you know where to start when you’re not sure where it began? Think…think…think… Speak.
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The fall before that awful March, I’d left high school for home schooling…provided by the school district’s special education department. The program was generally meant for young unwed mothers, or children with severe disabilities that kept them from attending school. I’d become so clinically depressed that I could no longer face my peers. I’d become so ridiculed by the adults working at the More >
Mental vomit
Mar 25th
I need a break from the heavy stuff. I published the first part of my “At sixteen” series thinking I would get some sort of feedback. A lttle like a patient may in therapy. In that, I thought I may be more readily open to sharing the other things I need to get out in that series, but as it stands now I still have no comments. And that’s fine. RSS feeds have brought a difficulty to commenting. Or maybe I just have no readers at all. Either way, I’m breaking from that series for now. I need to talk about all the current crap I’m swimming in.
I’ve got all this mental vomit that needs to come out. And it’s going to spew, in no particular order.
So it’s March and March is bad for me. For various reasons. It’s been raining all week, which does little for my mood. I found out this week that jude stopped growing. He’s not grown, at all, for two months. He’s fallen twenty percent on the growth charts in two months. That’s a lot. He won’t eat solid food. He nurses every two hours and has about 15 dirty diapers per day. I am More >
At Sixteen…Part I
Mar 23rd
This post contains graphic content.
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March hasn’t been a good month for me since the year I was sixteen. It started on St. Patty’s Day that year…actually it started before that, but I’m not sure exactly when.
Sometime in February, I’d decided to take a job delivering pizzas at the nearest place that did so…over the river bridge in a nearby podunk town. I was sixteen, and I liked the job well enough. Six dollars an hour, free pizza, great tips. Mostly I liked that I could drive around and listen to my CDs and get payed for it.
At some point, I met Tristan. He ordered a pizza one day. I don’t remember all the details now. I just knew he was older, attractive and apparently into me. He was down from Kansas staying with his uncle and he was so unlike any boy who had ever had an interest in me. I had a boyfriend though.
So I met Tristan…great. He was polar opposite of my boyfriend at the time; polar opposite of me. He repeated pizza orders to see me. Soon we were hanging out…and that was all. I can remember taking Jonna with me to meet him at his uncle’s More >
Discovery Science Place
Mar 20th
We went to the Discovery Science Place yesterday. It’s a little children’s museum here, and it was great…a ton of fun. It’s one of those hands on places. They had a room especially designed for learning about motion, where you get to roll golf balls down all sorts of things — huge hills that wrap around the room, big spirally things and huge loopty loops. They had a kid’s sized TV station where you could report the news or do a cooking show. Adrien was a real Emeril Live. All the moms were like “Hey, look at your kid cooking!” He even wore oven mitts. Kitchen safety is of utmost importance, you know.
The lighting in the place is a little weird, either that or I need a new camera…probably both. But anyway, since my camera didn’t know whether to flash or self-destruct and crap on itself, the best picture I got of Adrien was this:
That’s Adrien, riding a dino. He even has cowboy boots on. Yeehaw!
The best picture I got of Jude was this:
Of course there wasn’t much for Jude to actually do, besides sit in the stroller, but there was this texture wall…so I let him cruise around on More >
Dreaming
Mar 17th
I’m a dreamer. It’s what I like to do; think. I like to think about things, in length, and plan. And that’s just about the extent of things. I get ideas in my head, goals, opinions; dreams. And they stay there. They never materialize. Nothing ever turns into anything tangible.
I went to pilates today, for the first time. I’ve been wanting to go since the classes started about two months ago, but things just kept getting in the way. At least one of the kids or me or all have been sick every week since the classes started, and I just couldn’t go. But today, none of that stood in the way. No one is contagious…but I still had to fight myself to get out of the house to go. I think I ran through every excuse in the book mentally, but in the end I made myself get everybody dressed and out the door. And I went. And I’m glad I did.
As usual, starting exercise makes me want more. It reminds me of the person I used to be, of the things I used to be able to make my body do. I want to be more like the More >