The past few weeks there’s been an internal battle going on in my head over whether or not to place Adrien in a preschool program or not. Apparently, as I did some research, parents are warring over this too. There seem to be two camps on this issue — as divided are breastfeeding moms and formula moms. I dare say that this may even go as deep as stay at home moms vs. working moms…whatever either of those battles are actually about.

I’d always just assumed that preschool was the way to go. It seems like just about everyone I know is going to put their kid in one at some point. Stay at home moms everywhere rely on “Mother’s Day Out” programs. I’d never considered that some parents actually feel that putting your child into one of these, or any other preschool before the “Pre-K” age is sort of cheating. I was chatting with a friend the other day, when I mentioned finding Adrien a preschool. We all know I’d batted the option of returning to work around, but she was even a little surprised I think to find out that I was still looking for schooling options for him after I didn’t get the position. She said her husband would never go for it. That there was absolutely no reason for her children to go a preschool if she was at home and could teach them. She spoke of putting her child in a pre-k before kindergarten…but mainly as a way to transition to being at home all day every day, to being in school every day all day; since here in Texas, most schools have done away with half-day kindergarten.

And thus the internal dialogue began.

I started to doubt my decision; my eagerness to start Adrien into preschool.

I read up on it. I read up on whether or not preschool was needed; what people were saying. There’s no evidence to suggest that preschool does much more for a child cognitively than a child who stays at home with their parent. While children may be a little more socially ready after attending a preschool, there are just as many studies that say they aren’t any more scholastically ready than studies that say they are. Parents on message boards all over the web are simply stating that sending your child to preschool is a waste of time…that as parents, we can teach them all they need to know.

But what if that isn’t the case?

I don’t know if it’s just a huge case of self doubt here, but I really don’t feel capable of teaching him all he needs to know before he enters kindergarten in two years. I honestly don’t. He doesn’t seem to want to learn from me. He’s just not interested. I feel like I’ve hit a scholastic road block with him. It’s apparent, however, that he flourishes in social environments with other adults as his instructor. At church, for instance, he learns so much — just from the few hours a week he’s in Sunday School. I just feel that as a parent, I am not cut out to teach him all he needs to know before school. But does that make me inadequate? Does that make me less qualified as a parent? Does it somehow effect my parental integrity?

I have a friend who taught her three year old to read. Her daughter is astoundingly smart, yes, but you can’t deny that there must be something to the mother’s ability to teach, right? I have other friends who are blown away by how this woman teaches things — whether it’s to children or adults. She just has that gift. To teach. I? However, do not. I was the one in high school and college that simply found it easier to do others’ work rather than show them how. I just get too frustrated in the how. I am not a good teacher.

So is there anything wrong with the decision I’ve made to send Adrien to preschool? I think it’s responsible parenting to do so if you don’t feel qualified to prepare your child for school…and I don’t think there’s anything wrong or fallible in admitting that. Teachers teach because they’re good at it. I parent because I’m a mother. In doing so, I’ve decided that academia is best presented to my children from those in a school setting. So why do I feel like lesser of a mom? Am I lesser of a mom?

Are preschools glorified day-cares? And am I being lazy? I don’t know. What I do know is this is a war that’s been playing out in my head for a while now…and preschool won.

He starts on Tuesday.