Home from MOPS. Had fun. Listened to a former area director speak about the 6 needs of moms. It was good. It was funny. Good food, good coffee. And now I’m home, with two sleeping children. Oh yes, the sound of silence…etched over by my click-clacking fingers.

Next Thursday — that’s less than a week away — I’m heading out to Nashville for MOPS convention. I’ll be hanging out with my Tyler, TX MOPS moms. I miss them. Should be great times! I just feel so guilty for leaving the kids here. I know I need the break and all, but you know. When I signed up to go, I thought for sure Jude would be weaned. Didn’t think I’d still be breastfeeding a 14 month old. I also didn’t think we’d be back in Dallas. I thought we’d be most of the way through with his feeding therapy by now…not in our old house with no insurance to pursue any sort of therapy, let alone check up.

So I just feel bad about leaving him. I know Adrien will be fine. But Jude? That’s a whole other issue. He still insists on nursing off and on all night. He’s still co-sleeping (adding to the night nursing issue), and he still isn’t eating wonderfully. Although his eating has improved, he has his on day and he has his off days. One day he could put down quite a bit of food, and the next day hardly a thing. So I feel bad for him, and I feel bad for my husband and mother-in-law who will undoubtedly suffer due to my lack of control over my child’s eating habits.

The night weaning has been partially just laziness on my part. I am not a pretty picture when I’ve not had enough sleep. And can you imagine 14 months of never sleeping through the night? That’s me, right here. It took Adrien a year to get the sleeping down and I though by now Jude would have had it. But no. That’s not the case. I’m sure the nursing is partially to blame, but I’ve tried to cut back and even when he doesn’t wake wanting to be fed, he still wakes — screaming. I just don’t know what it is. As far as children go, I just wasn’t blessed with sleepers. And so I’ll be off in Nashville, sleeping all night for the first time since, ever, and my poor husband and mother-in-law will be cursed with the sleepless monsters I’ve created and enabled. I feel like I should just lash myself or something. Because, you know, it’s all my fault.

I don’t really know what else to say on the matter. If I weren’t going, I’m not sure how much longer I’d continue to nurse him…and supply wiling, after I return, it’ll probably be right back to the same ole’ thing. Never saw myself as an extended breastfeeding type…but here I am. Let’s see how my boobs are doing after I get back from a weekend away…

I’m sure Jude will be in therapy for years later on in life because I cut him off suddenly, cold-turkey.